Thanksgiving is here and I am struck with a need for thankfulness. I don’t wish for it I need and want to be thankful. The past 12 months have been nothing short of a blessing. It’s been a gift. Of course like anyone there have been trials and dealings with life in general. The things none of us want to mess with but we all have to in order to make it.
I woke up one morning last week to a smoke detector beeping not because there was a fire, but because the battery was low. My first thought wasn’t to be thankful to have this in my house to protect me it was to be upset that the battery decided to alert me it needed to be replaced at 4:00 AM. This is a normal reaction but it speaks to something I think we can all relate to and get better at. Even in the midst of trouble life is beautiful. There are long days and sleepless nights but between all of it there is laughing so hard you struggle to breathe and triumphs at work which make the stress worth it. Why then do we struggle to be thankful?
Most morning’s when I awake and jump in the shower I attempt to pray. I usually thank God for the day but don’t really mean it. I’m not being disingenuous but I’m basically asleep so my thoughts even inaudible are incoherent. What does it mean to thank God for waking me up? I think it means to be thankful for another day but I’m not sure if that is the way I mean it. I could be mad because I’m tired even though I am the one who chose to go to bed later than I should have. I could be irritable because I don’t feel great even though I’m the one who ate junk food before going to bed. I could feel an emptiness because I haven’t done a good job of being a friend.
There are a lot of problems I bring on myself, yet somehow when I pray the God I am seeking listens and cares. He doesn’t listen because I am good because I’m certainly not. He doesn’t listen for any reason other than unconditional love. Sometimes life can bring you to your knees. You can fight for so many things but yet feel an emptiness when the end of the day comes because you are falling short. It brings me great frustration I don’t do as much as I feel I’m capable of doing. If I just had an extra hour or two in the morning or at night to do more I could be happier. I could be more thankful. This is the root of my problem.
I feel like I deserve a lot of things that at the end of the day I really don’t deserve. I can point to others and say they are worse than me but it doesn’t matter if I’m right or wrong. They deserve the same things I do. So this year I’m thinking deeper about what thankfulness means and what it looks like in my life. I’m dwelling on Jesus and everything he has done for me. I’m upset with the way the world works and with so much of society but when I look in the mirror I see all of those things staring at me. The faults I see in others are represented in mistakes I make on a daily basis. Instead of being upset and angry at other people I’m going to love them without having to understand why they are hurting. I have a long way to go to get better but don’t we all? If I’m honest I’m thankful for that.