The truth about fear is it is addicting.
There have been times where I wanted to give it up but I keep coming back to it. It numbs the pain of not accomplishing my goals.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to start something on my own. It’s definitely what has drawn me to writing. I like expressing myself through words and I have the freedom to write about whatever I want whenever I want here.
Often times I find myself writing about something I think is meaningful but will definitely make others uncomfortable. I think it will be good to post on here but before I do I get a sense within my chest I shouldn’t. The fear rests squarely over me. I decide not to post it and experience a feeling of soothing disappointment.
I like the feeling of comfort. It’s not satisfying but it’s normal. It brings an odd sense of peace. The more I choose to resist fear the more it brings me in. Others will always tell you when you fear something it means you should lean into it. I have said this to people. It’s easy to tell other people how they should handle fear. It’s much harder to handle it yourself in the same way.
I do believe anything worth doing will cause some sort of fear in your life. I also believe the feeling of fear can become something which hangs over you like a bad habit. I know fried food isn’t good for me but I eat it anyway. I’m not addicted to it but I like the taste. I know I should write about something and not worry so much about what others think but I want everyone to like what I write. It’s not possible for it to happen and it’s not something I should even seek but I find myself lunging at it like a child chasing seagulls in the sand.
I don’t think fear is something which is ever fully defeated but rather it’s something you have to fight off daily. I’m focusing my attention on it. I don’t want to live a life where I am OK with being afraid.