I normally don’t have trouble sleeping at night.
I will wake up during the night realize it’s not time to get up and go right back to sleep. Last Sunday night/Monday morning was different. I woke up at 1 AM and made the inevitable mistake of looking at my phone. Twenty minutes later after boring myself with pointless internet material I realized I wasn’t going to be able to fall right back asleep. As I rolled over I clinched my left hand and realized my wedding ring was gone. I immediately began feeling around trying to find it. It fits well and I couldn’t figure out how it could have fallen off but I knew I went to bed with it on. I never take it off and right before bed I took my contacts out and I washed my hands so I would have noticed it missing then. I still decided to get up and look around. I walked to the bathroom and didn’t see it there. Walked to my office and didn’t see it there. I started panicking. You know the feeling you get when you have lost something. You think there is a mistake. This isn’t actually happening. A knot forms in your stomach and your brow starts to sweat. I had to wake up Morgan to find it and my first statement to her when waking her up was that, “I lost my engagement ring.” This made literally no sense but she knew what I meant. Luckily I found the ring about 30 minutes after I started looking for it. It had gotten tossed around in the sheets somehow while I was asleep. As I tried to lay back down to go to sleep it was even harder than before my internet binge so my mind took off in a million different directions.
It’s amazing how the feeling of losing something makes you feel completely out of control. The illusion of control disappears. I hate the unknown. I hate when all you can do is wait for something to happen. I am learning it’s life. Life happens while we are waiting. The torture known as waiting is what makes us human. As David Brooks wrote recently, “We are the only animals who are naturally unfinished. We have to bring ourselves to fulfillment.”
Sometimes I find myself searching for a quick answer. Searching for a thought to write about or a city to visit. Other times it seems I don’t have to search for anything. It’s like my whole life was mapped out and I drive on a navigated path. Big moments have a way of appearing when you least expect them. Like an old friend who you run into unexpectedly. That’s life. I’m searching for those moments by leaning into the waiting which is a constant in life. Don’t hide from these moments. Find enjoyment in the search.
It’s amazing the clarity you have at 2 AM when you have found what you were searching to find.